Monday, June 30, 2014


I remember when she came to live in my body. After I’d eaten, I’d weaken and than Anna would gain strength and make me feel so terrible. Anna hated food, she was in charge. I had to go with her choice of what to eat most of the time it was nothing. I would argue with her all the time, often shout and cry at her to leave me alone to eat what I wanted, but she’d never leave. She lived in my body I couldn’t feel hunger or my pain. I just let Anna convince me to stay indoors alone- People would talk about me- I knew why because I could see that my body looked wrong, that my bones were showing and my veins would stick out. I didn’t like it, it was Anna’s choice. It was her that got on the scale everyday, and punished my body if another pound hadn’t been knocked off. I gave up the fight with Anna. I let her have my body. I felt that as my body was so useless now anyways. I didn’t even want it anymore. I waited for my body to give up and set me free. I felt it start to happen. First I lost my energy. I lost my ability to walk more than a few feet before having to lie down. I had to give all my strength just to go on breathing. All the time Anna just watched and laughed. My heart fluttering, trying to hold on though it was being burnt away with every breath I took…. It was at this point that Anna showed herself to my family. They saw her and then everything changed. They new I couldn’t fight her on my own. For a year I fought. I’d watch Anna take my body and kill it slowly and painfully while all I could do is sit and watch. I didn’t know how to feel hunger or eat food anymore. My family had to fight Anna first, but eventually their voices came though and pulled me back and then I could help them fight her too. It was a constant battle, with Anna trying to push me back every time I found a bit of strength. I had the strength of my family and the doctors. My body began to look normal. One day she was gone. Occasionally I read her thoughts, or heard her voice; I have the power to push them away. But I know she will lie dormant besides me forever…

Saturday, August 17, 2013

My birth stroy with Parker

From the moment I found out I was pregnant I wanted a water birth. Being a swimmer for most of my life, water is calming to me. Also I gave birth to Hannah with no epidural on a very uncomfortable hospital bed, so for sure I would be able to give birth in water, piece of cake.

There was one problem, they don't do water births where I live, and a home water birth wasn't appealing me. So I searched and searched and bingo! Found a birthing center about an hour and a half away. But as I thought about it, I wasn't sure I wanted to drive that long while in labor. So I settled for a birth in the hospital where I currently live. This did NOT sit well with me. Months went by.... When I was about 33 weeks pregnant I called this birthing center, they said they only have ONE more space for July. (Back then my due date was July 26, even though the 8 week ultra sound showed August 3rd) I wanted that spot! So I went, filled out some paper work changed my insurance and I got the spot. I loved the birthing center, the midwives and the nurses. They changed my due date to August 3 to give me more time if I go over due. (They only deliver babies there if you are in between 37 and 42 weeks) I thought wonderful; it's all working out better than I thought.

I was having Braxton hicks contractions, tons and ton of them around 37 weeks. I was trying to take it easy because I wanted my mom to arrive first so someone is here with Hannah.

My mom showed up when I was around 38 weeks. Now this baby can come!!

But he didn't. But no big deal because Hannah was late also. Christopher and I started walking every morning to try to get labor started. I started doing this at 39 weeks. I took out the trampoline and started jumping. I took castor oil. I pumped. I took the blue and black
cohoshs. I even tired making tea with basil and oregano. Nothing happened. I got to 41 weeks. They did a biophysical to see If Parker was doing ok. He was doing fine, they even said he was getting close to 10 lbs. NO WAY I said, he can't be that big. 

The midwives had Christopher and I go up Monday to do hours of walking and pumping to try to start labor. Still nothing happened. We did the same thing Tuesday, but nothing. At this point I'm completely exhausted. Wednesday we take a break, I had to schedule an induction for Thursday just in case it came to that point. I was hoping, praying that I would go into labor Wednesday night. But I didn't. We got to the hospital Thursday morning for the induction. Being 42 weeks pregnant with a possible 10 lb baby in me, I went from wanting a water birth to just wanting to get this baby out without a c-section.  

They start to induce me at 2pm. My body went right into labor. This kind of makes me mad considering all the work I was doing to go into labor, This goes on till about 5 when they start the Pitocin. I was 2cm dilated. The pain got real bad, I wasn't about to try to work through it, Pitocin contractions are much worse. So I got an epidural. That was the worst. But the pain got better and I was 3cm and it was 9 at night. I got a new nurse that was going to be with me for the night. I didn't like her from the beginning. She treated me like I was just annoying her. She kept saying I need to get sleep, which I totally agreed, but I started to have this urge to push. Weird I thought, because of the epidural I wasn't sure if that's how the painful contractions felt or if I really had to push. I told the nurse to check how far along I was because I felt like I needed to push. She told me they just checked me and I was at a 3cm so she won't have me checked for a couple hours. She asked over and over if I wanted some sleeping drugs to help me sleep. I said no. There's no way I could sleep with this urge to push. That's exactly what I told the nurse. But she again assured me I was only at a 3cm and I shouldn't be pushing. I said ok give me the stupid sleeping drug. She did and it knocked me out. This was around 12am. The nurse left. Christopher came to hold my hand helping me through these contractions that were SO intense. I woke up to 'try not to push' then I would go back to sleep because that sleeping drug was so strong. This went on for about an hour. The nurse came in at about 1am and I told her I had to push, so she handed me the epidural button to push it. I guess that's what she thought meant. I told her I had to push the baby out. She said I was only at a 3cm so I don't need to be doing any pushing. Then she left. My body was pushing and I was fighting it. These sleeping drugs were so strong I had a hard time knowing what was going on. Christopher and I decide we should just try to relax and get some sleep. So for about 2 hours I would wake up, my body would try to push and then I would go back to sleep. I would see the nurse pop in and out; I remember not being able to get her attention because I felt drugged. I also remember thinking why isn’t she getting me help; don’t I look like I’m pushing?

About 2 hours pass and I wake up to this stinging feeling along with the pushing feeling, and then a new feeling, the feeling like all the bed sheets had bunched up in-between my legs. I reach my hand down there and I feel a head……A HEAD! I rip the blankets off and I see the back of Parkers head sticking out of me. My first reaction was to pull him out, so I pulled him half way out then I freaked out, he wasn’t moving or making any noise. I wake Christopher up and tell him there’s a head and to go get the doctor. He runs out into the hall, yells for someone and then 6-7 people all come running in, the doctor tells me to push, I barely did, Parker and my bladder catheter are born at 2:50am (yes my bladder catheter got ripped out, eek I know). He started crying and kicking and reaching for something to eat. I was SO happy he was ok. Christopher and I were in shock, everything happened so fast.  Parker weighed in at 10lbs 1oz and 22.25 inches long. I didn’t tear at all. I think it’s because it took him 3 hours to get out.
This birth was the total opposite of what I wanted it to be. But all that matters is that Parker is healthy. We did send in a complaint to the head of labor and delivery about that nurse.  And since I was GBS positive and didn’t get treated at all, we had to stay 2 more nights. The morning Parker was born, all Christopher and I wanted was to see Hannah and have her meet her new baby brother. I call my mom right away and have her bring Hannah down. 
I’m grateful for my mom, who ended up staying an extra week because Parker came about the time she was planning on leaving. 
I’m grateful for the other nurses I had that made me feel comfortable and calmed me down about being induced.
I’m grateful for the midwives at the birthing center for giving me every chance to do things naturally.
I’m grateful for the people in the ward who brought me meals and just were there for me.
I’m most grateful for my husband who helped me emotionally and stayed with me every step of the way.